so here is all the poems i've been written lately...lol, i'm not suicidal though, so don't think that after you read "Sufficient"...and most of them are just quote sized...

Drifting Apart

And you never trusted me,
But I gave you my heart.
I hoped that we could be,
But now we’re drifting apart.
I’ll give you tomorrow,
Like you gave me today,
Through pain and through sorrow,
I’ll learn to walk away.

untitled

Accepting your lies,
I fantasize.
Would you be prepared to die?
To give me the wings
Upon which you fly… -V.W.

untitled

Catch me
I don’t want to fall
Feel me
As I lose it all
Hear me
When I call your name
Touch me
‘Cause it’s all just a game… -V.W.

me and you, yin and yang

Could you remain here,
When I ask you to leave?
Could you wipe away my tears,
And erase all my sinful blasphemy?
If I beg for the stars to stop shining,
Will the sun cease to rise?
Can you stop me from drowning,
As I suffocate in your lies -V.W.

moving on

burdens are lifted
but pains are created
memory are sifted through
and our granteds become our
cherised hopes
friends fade
tears fall
but strength is born
a pheonix rises from
the ashes.
tomorrow is given
as yesterday was stolen
windows are opened
with each door slammed
and another chance to find
yourself
is found.
moving on
is inexorable. -V.W.

untitled

i'm drowning in this land,
into the sky i'm falling,
buried in the sand,
the whispers of the dying... -V.W.

untitled

i know nothing of love except that i am in it
i know nothing of hope except that i do it
i know nothing of fear except that i am not afraid
i know nothing of hate except that i will never feel it.
in love with a lie;
why am i atoning for your sins? -V.W.

this song

this song is not for me
it is for those to be
for those who were
everyone that came before
each man that follows after
that they, through sickness or laughter,
may listen and rejoice
for peace will be their choice.
-(honestly can't remember if i wrote this or copy/pasted...)

mesmerize

please don't hurt me
trapped in your endless lies
blinding what should be
you never cease to mesmerize

beneath tainted clouds
i lay my head down
hidden my darkened shrouds
i should have known... -V.W.

untitled

Sing to me and
Hear my voice
Dream my wish
but don't ever make my choice

illusions of an angel fallen,
dissapearing shards of a manic
nightmare,
evanescing wisps of hope,
praying for somebody to care. -V.W.

Sorry

I'm sorry
that i never said goodbye
i've forgotten
what it meant to cry
these tears fall
everytime i lie
i am breaking
from inside
and this pain
just won't subside. -V.W.

Peace

A vigilante's peace
can never be unsettled
war's endless pause
is just the eye of the storm
my tears of magma
are the only thing
that keep me breathing
because my sanctuary
is in the deepest pit of Hell
A vigilante's peace
is my sanctuary... -V.W.

Sufficent (not suicidal)

I'm searching for the words
Lost inside my head;
Looking for the means
To justify my ends.
But I don't know what to do
'Cause all I see is red.

But I know I need a hero;
Someone to save my life.
Who am I supposed to turn to?
As my blood drips down this knife...
What am I supposed to do?
When this meager pain just won't suffice...

I'm drowning in my tears,
My self-piteous sacrafice.
Ripping asunder my fears,
I give way to Death's grip of ice... -V.W.

When Black Winged Angels Fly

Didn't you hear me
Cry your name?
As the dark thunder rolled in,
I screamed hoarse from within,
But to God it's all the same.

And I've been there and back again;
I've seen the light on
the dark side of the moon.
I know that it's all gonna end
Way too soon.
And I know what's it like
To have gone insane...

But do you know what it means to cry,
As you fall into merciless dreams
While your world rips apart at the seams.
When Black-winged angels fly...-V.W.

To No One

Have I nothing to say?
Your ears are deaf
And my voice muted.
Pain is washing me away...

Can't you hear me?
My thoughts are blinded;
My hands are tied.
I'm drowning in self-pity...

[To no one a broken heart is bound;
What is not lost
Cannot be found...] (refrain)

Is hate not a sin?
Angels rule my nightmares,
And demons haunt my days.
I'm dying from withing...

(refrain) -V.W.






okee, i've got more, but either they just suck, or they're on my other computer or something...lol. this is everything i've written since moving...well, 90% anyway...lol. whoot and go me!!! hope you guys enjoy!!!


-Gini

ps. i love you guys!!! sorry about the melodrama and please comment!!!

Discuss.

alright, i know i don't update much, but yeah....ummm, all my entries are going to become private soon i think, so you'll have to friend me and be logged on to see them. just because i think i might start putting personal stuff into them. anyway...

i miss my friends. i feel like crying right now. i haven't cried in a while. i'm whining. i don't care. i just read an awesome poem of ashlee's. Dimstarr on livejournal. it made me miss her even more. lierin apparently had an x-mas party last night. it just made me wish i was there when i heard. the last party i was at was my going away party at lierin's place...okay, on to less angsty topics.

so i'm sorta starting a new story with ashlee. our Veins of History is going on Hiatus (a break for an indetermite time) because we can't stop thinking up other ideas. lol. it has yazoo and kadaj. *drool* speaking of them, god i can't wait until 2005 for Advent Children to come out! *cries and dies* but seriously, i've been feeling a little more creative lately, which is bad. the worse condition my mind is in, the more creative (drawing, poetry) i do...except if my mind is too bad, in which case i can't produce anything worthwhile. but i haven't been reading either, because my mom stole my book, so that might be part of the problem. either way, i dunno. i want to write and stuff, i am just having trouble channelling what i want into good ideas for a story or anything like that. i'll sort it out though.

i'm hoping to have christa and ashlee here from the 18th to 22nd...i haven't talked to christa in, like, forever, though...so i'm not sure. i'm calling them both tomorrow so we can hopefully get all this sorted out and i'll be able to force them to come. my mom already agreed to help convince any parents that need convincing. so, you two, you'd better be ready to get your asses down here! (i mean..hi? lol)

ummm...my school is getting so much better. but every now and then, i just think of fort mac, and what i would be doing if i was there, or if my friends were here. i still write my name on my papers and wonder i really am two different people in two different places. but it is getting better. i'm happier i guess. and i know that i'll never lose my friends in fort mcmurray, not matter what life decides to bitchily throw at me. ^_^;;;; *ducks the knife life throws at her...oO* but really, i'm having good times here i guess. one of my friends here, chirssy, has been sick for two weeks. >< it's ouch. but i'm alright...have i stated that enough times yet? lol. ah, the redundancies of my writing. moving on.

events are events. in my robotics club we had a meet and greet for the teams in the edmonton area, but only two were able to show up because of the weather and people being stuck in their drive ways. to me, it's wayyy too warm. i loved the north, winter was way better than summer. we have snow, but it's only been here for about a week. we did have one day with -31 with windchill, -20 without it. but that didn't last long. other events are people in the cupboard in the bandroom. lmao, it was hilarious. we got 10 people in there at one time. XD...yeah. we went to Facutlé St.-Jean, which is a francophone facutly of the UVA, also the smallest faculty. it almost made me want to continue french...its the place to go, even if you were only in immersion or did it in high school. they go on field trips here! (fort mac doesn't get field trips..T.T) umm...thingy.

x-mas. well, presents = omg i'm so doomed. i have stuff for christa, but that was easy. ^_^..and sarah manged to find an add on for what i already had her. for ashlee, i'm skipping school on tuesday to get her her gift by shopping in edmonton. and i have to get stuff for my secret santa person...but i think i know what i'm getting her. also, people in my family. so doomed. dad = norce, viking stuff (beer stein!) lol. sarah = something to do with peace, harmony and hope. a religious plaque, a cute something, i dunno. mom = shit. not literally. ><...but i dunno. symbolizing happiness and the healing of the soul?? see, shit...well, maybe something to do with sunflowers? don't ask. lol. tim = double shit. i want something to symbolize power for him, but symbolizing stuff will only get me so far. i'm thinking maybe a decorative weapons or dagger thingy....but yeah, would that be a save decision? moving on. lol, i don't even have the x-mas spirit. new paragraph.

right. i miss fort mac whenever i drive through stony plain. they have the little decorations and stuff up, but it makes me miss the ones of fort mac and my christmas traditions there, like the star on the abasand hill and the tree thingy on top of the brick building down town, and the p.b. decorations. it makes me sad the most. and it's not cold. how can it feel like christmas at -2 with barely any snow. but it really might be the house and people. i dunno. i just know that i'm not sure if i'm really looking forward to dec 25th...okay, that sounds sooo whiny and gay. of course i'm looking forward to it, i'm just feeling weird because i'm not all enthusiastic and preaching about the true value of the season. seeing x-mas specials almost feels weird. okay, no one spazz for all this self-pity please.

well, i think i'm going to stop angsting now. i love you guys. and i miss you. and i hope that i'll see you all soon. is anyone even going to read this? lol. maybe? okee dokee. so, here's a poem i wrote. it's called moving on, because i'm trying to. except for my friends. i'll never move my mind away from them.

Moving On

burdens are lifted
but pains are created
memory are
sifted through
and our granteds become our
cherised hopes.
friends fade
tears fall
but strength is born
a pheonix rises from
the ashes.
tomorrow is given
as yesterday was stolen
windows are opened
with each door slammed
and another chance to find
yourself
is found.
moving on
is inexorable.

okay, i just read the most f-upped reply to one of my previous posts (it called me whinny, although i've already privatized my even whinier posts...). but i don't care, because i know it couldn't have been one of my friends. i think i know who it was, in which case i am kind of sorry, because i deserved a bit, but it was in the wrong context anyway....le sigh.

well i dunno. i don't feel like reciting everything i've done, although edmonton art galleries are fun stuff. i feel like ranting. so disregard the rest of this post please.

i dunno. i really don't. but yet i don't feel like saying that live is so complicated, because that's not how i feel. it's easy right now, i just wish it were different, even if that made it harder. but i should be careful for what i wish for. i love whats going on around me right now, new friends and feeling accepted. there's really only one thing missing.

ashlee. (the one from fort mac) yeah yeah, you've all heard it all before. i guess i need christa too. but oh well. i'm forcing them to come up for some of the holidays. and i can't say too much here, so ashlee and christa, you guys should know by the time you read this what i'm talking about. (operation realyn).

umm. i guess that's all i'm gonna say for now. there is too much to say, but not enough words, and the information here is on display, something that, for the first time, worries me.

well, ttyl for now.

phynali. --> We are a mix of our reflections, rippling with the water, or the shadow that hides in darkness.

hey guys! guess what? i'm here in fort mac, at ashlee's! whoot! she's in the shower right now, and i'm just hanging out and theifing her comp! t3h p0w3r!...<<

anyhoo. yesh. life is good. i'm with my best friend for life, and i might get to see other people tonight and tomorrow too. huzzah! ^_^ i've drawn some pictures for Shadows recently, which is a story that me and ashlee will (possibly) eventually write--Shards of Shadows, Dissipating Shadows, Shadows in Darkness and Shadows' Reflections. those are all the possible titles and there may be more than one book if we ever do write it. right now we're deviating from it already and making a war rp. no comment.

umm...i dunno. there isn't too much to say, i think. well, there's always a lot to say, but i'm not sure if i feel up to pouring my heart out to the world right now. but...i might give it a try. nah, i'll do it later, some other time. i'm procrastinating even now. damn. lol. but i guess that's me. still, i'll psycho-analyze myself soon. i'm already starting to think of how my mind and feelings are working. it's odd. but enough for now, or i'll depress myself.

umm. yesh. again, the yesh rules. don't ask. omg, i have just become totally incoherent. so i guess that means that i'll start psychoanalyzing if i don't go now. yeah. life is good. i am good. goodbye! ^_^.......

-phynali --> And here i dreamt i was an architect, but i am nothing of a builder...

hey journal!

long time no talkie! yesh, i know. lol. umm...i'm going to fort mac in a few days! it's gonna be sooo awesome! i've been doing...not much...and i've been really neglecting this journal <.< and this post has to be kind of short too because i told tim he could go on in a few minutes. yeah, i know.

friends : okay, in my class, my fav people are chrissy and ashlee. creepy, isn't it? i mean, is there just something about those names that makes me peoples' friends? nah, they're just the funniest and nicest in my class. lol. umm...stuff. lol. it's going okay. i don't seem to mind heather h, in fact i think she's kewl. she hangs out with me the more than most other people. ^.^;; but that's neither here nor there.

ft mac friends : it was chrita's b-day a while ago, and i called her to say hi. she still doesn't know what she wants me to draw her, lol. with ashlee it's kewl. i'm on msn just to see if she'll come on, but she didn't...T.T we really need to finish planning, lol. the only plans i've made are uber creepy...not to mention the prologue i wrote. ashlee told me that it's sick and wrong...because a 10 or 12-year-old is trying to commit suicide...it's not her fault she's messed! anyway, enough about me being a freak. umm, yesh. i miss them much, but at least i get to see them, in like, 6 or 5 days! yay! love you guys!!!

school : my printer is broke, so i can't hand in half my stuff without going to my aunt's to print. it suxors. yesh. umm, stuff? i want dickinsfield back, lol. didn't think i'd ever say that. it's kinda sad. i saw a rumplestiltskin play on thrusday at my skool, it was with real wooden marionettes, and it was pretty kewl. but yesh. skool sucks.

home : like i said, going to fort mac soon. huzzah. i can't wait. ashlee's already got it all planned out, what i'm gonna do while i'm there. it was kewl. i can't wait. i can rp, finally see my friends again. i mean, i always loved fort mac, and that'll never change. ^_^ can't wait to see you guys!

life : i had a huge anime night at sarah's school with a bunch of high schoolers and sarah's friend courtney. it was sooo awesome. i saw an Ah My Goddess movie that was awesome. i love that animation. i saw some fruits basket, and i looooooovvvvvveeee it. i am sooo buying it! it is hilarious! umm, and i got to see half of the inu yasha movie, but i left before it was over. T.T but yesh, it was kewl. and they have one each month. so yay, anime for gini! lol.

dreams : it's freaky. half of my dreams i can't remember, and the others just mess up my mind. they're all...in two places. it's a mix of fort mcmurray and stony plain (where i live now). it's got my friends from both places and it's like they all know each other. and the schools! i had a dream that it was dickinsfield, but not dickinsfield people. it was a freaky mix, with parts of my new school like the locker room (i was doing my hmwk in it, like we do during lunch at meridian [new school]) and parts of the old school, like the hallways and bus area. except it was my new bus, in my old bus' place. i missed it, but that's not the point. it was our old class, but mme. arrand, my new teacher, was there instead of miss. everitt. that dream messed up my mind. it was creepy, very. all my dreams are like that now, except i don't remember the others as well. still, it's a mix, and what i'm most afraid of, is when it stops being a mix. when it's all in my new place, and ft mac is gone from my dreams. i don't want that to happen, because it will mean, subconsciously, that fort mcmurray is like, not my home anymore, not where i invision myself. le sigh.

well, i guess i'd better go. i just made myself more depressed, and i was even feeling good. <.<

till next time,

phynali

umm...yesh. i'm dedicating a whole post to christa!.....

SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


^_^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

i'm sorry i didn't mention the awesome pic you gave me in my last post...or was it the one before? anyway! sorry! and i do appreciate it, it was an awesome pic, and muchas thanksies! i haven't talked to you in a while, but i want to! it's your b-day soon!!!! and umm, i heard the grudge is an awesome movie! so...yay...talk to me soon! lol, miss you! no forgetsies ever!

-phyn

...i didn't forget you, dear journal? <.<

umm...what did i say in my last entry? that was like, ten thousand years ago. at least it seems like it. so i'll just go over the big stuff.

okay, school : has been going good. parent teacher interviews just passed, and apparently i'm doing very well, the girls in my class have had "problems" before...and they don't think they're challenging me enough in math! lmao. i'm not being challenged enough, and ashlee's class is dieing. <.<. i have three projects that are going to be due soon, so i'm doing a collage and finding political cartoons and stuff this weekend as homework. Take Your Kids To Work day is coming up on November third, and i'm probably just going to go to my school as an assistant teacher! whoot! lol. umm...what else is there? (swan princess, bring it on!)

friends : i went to fort mcmurray a few days ago. it was spectacular. i got this special surprise that i knew i was going to get from ashlee. it was a book, full of song lyrics, pics, poems, and photos of us all. (even lierin's collasal wedgie pic! XD ) i spent most of my time at ashlee's house the whole weekend, and we hung out, talked, and got to catch up on each others' lives. it was great. on friday night we went to bp's and had a blast, except for that annoying whats-her-name girl. she spit water out all over the table! the waitress was nice though. and got balloonses! jeanna or kirby + helium = great. ^_^; and then we went to lierin's house and hung out for a while and it was all kewl kewl. and omg! i saw an anime called Nightwalker. well, really only the second half, but it was sw33t. and peach girl is the cutest, most hilarious comic. i wish i could draw like that! T.T anyway, i finally went home on tuesday, but i'm going again in November!

life : umm...halloween is coming up. my preferred costume would be Vivi from final fantasy 9, who is an adorable black mage. in fact, i think he's the only black mage in FF that becomes a main character and has a name. i'd have to verify that though. if i'm not him, i'll be: 1)a fearie. 2)sailor moon. 3)blossom the powerpuff girl. 4)gothic. 5)i'll throw a sheet over my head and say boo. ^.^ i love the last sugestion. i'm not sure where i'll go tricker-treating yet (never too old!). i can't go to fort mac, so i'll either go in stony plain, or get my mom to drive me around acrerages and steal their candy!...or umm...i dunno...thingy. blah.

life con't : umm, it's life. my sister dyed her hair purple! it's really really dark. umm..thingy. it's life. i haven't drawn anything new except an angel and really ugly pic of a person in the wind. umm...written nothing new, although i'm planning on it. poems and essays are throwing themselves around inside my head!

psychology : umm...going to fort mcmurray was a scary experience for my mind. it felt like i was visiting home. one doesn't visit home. it makes no sense. to visit is to be away from home. it was scary. i miss my friends. it felt for a few days like nothing had changed though, like it was all still the same. i suppose the day i don't feel like that, the day that i don't remember where my friends live, their phone numbers...the day i don't recognize the streets in fort mcmurray is the day that i'm not visiting home. however, i doubt that day will ever come to pass. so i'll continue to visit home, and then i'll continue to return home. that's just me, i suppose. i'm certainly not the only one with an odd psycology.

psychology con't: i did write something new! i wrote an essay (very short though) on insanity. about how it doesn't exist, and that it's based on pure perspective, like reality. to us, a person may seem insane, but to them, we're the crazy ones. chew on that for a while. O.o o.O

anyway, my sister want teh comp, so i'd best be off. love you all! hope somebody bothers to read this!! xoxo!

-Phynali

hey...whats up? lol

okay, so i tried to update again yesterday, but my dad kicked me off before i had a full paragraph. so now i'm updating today! (instead of doing my gay science homeowork)

school: okay, let's see...what can i say, other than the shits? alright alright. it's easy in some ways, annoying in others. i'm doing good in my marks, but that wasn't ever really in question i don't think. my math teacher is a spazz, my science teacher is great, although i have science homework every night, and my ela/fla teacher just makes me think one word : mom. she has got to be one. lol. but i guess it's not so bad. i'm getting along anyway. now if only they'd stop testing us every week. oh yeah, that and i have gym class 4 days a week. T.T

friends: i talked to christa on the phone today, for like, the second time since i moved. it was awesome. she's just a really great person to be dumb and funny with. and i talked to ashlee again. she's making me this awesomely awesome present and i can't wait until i get it! and she's even writing some of the stuff out by hand and drawing stuffs along with it! *squeals.* (i've been squealing waaayyy too much lately.) i miss them and everyone else sooo much!

friends con't : okay, holidays. for thanksgiving i'm going up to fort mcmurray. i'm not sure of the actual day yet. either the 7th or 8th. i'll probably spend most of my time at ashlee's and christa's, and a night out with all ma gurls! (right, never talk like that again ^_^V) i can't wait. and for halloween, i'm now divided in costumes and places. i want to be either a hill-billy with heather (a girl in my new class), a sailor scout (whoot!) with some of the girls in my new class, vivi from ff9, or the angel of death to complement christa's fallen angel. and where am i going to be? i hope fort mac, but i'm not sure if i can get myself up there yet. crossing my fingers for it! wouldn't be the same without you guys, and christa's b-day and all!

life : okay, cried again last night. missing people. my grandparents, little gary, my friends from fort mac, myself. guess i'm still out of it. oh well....lol. at least i'm doing better.

lol, alrgiht, i'm getting kicked off again. one last thing though. this guy i met (remember ashlee?) named kevin, just called and said that he lost my email address and was calling to get it! omfg! i admit it ashlee, i do like him! *squeals, again.*

okay, by now.

-phyn

okay, i guess you all deserve i minor update...eheh.

so, i'm not going to go into lavicious detail because i'm tired of that and don't feel like ranting. i'll give you a summary.

have i already mentioned that ashlee came over? yeah, i must have. and i said nathan came over. that was kewl. umm...so onto school!

it's...better. i enjoy being there, but i still feel anxious getting there. i think about the first day of school, how eager i was...and i wonder what happened to that eagerness? i dunno, but i'm...okay...with school now. i'm taking the bus tomorrow, and just have to deal with my hmwk XD ....

okay. umm...yeah. i'll survive. i hope...yeah. umm ttyl!! lol. miss you all!!!

-phyn.

well, i've decided to write something of a diary entry, because i realized that i don't use this like a diary anymore, but a message board. that's all well and good, but it's too much like how my brother uses it, and i want this to be more then that, because i love livejournal.

so, dear diary,

today i got back from ashlee's, where i slept over. we had a blast and stayed up until 5 in the morning. i wanted to go to bed around 3:30, but she guilted me into staying up. she has this amazing manipulative power if you let her get to you. well, that and she wouldn't turn of the light or shut up! >< lol, it was awesome though.

i'm really going to miss her, and all of my friends. it almost hurts to think that i might not see them again. or when i do, they'll be different, i'll be different. i'm not so naive as to think that things will always stay the same. i do know, however, that me and ashlee, at least, are going on this huge trip after graduation, and we are staying in touch no matter what!

my mom had a friend that moved to texas when she was younger. texas. and they still bought plane tickets and saw each other and talked, and it never changed until her friend joined the army, and mom was never able to find her address after that. lol. but still! the point is that people can stay in touch if they want to. and i want to, with all of my friends.

i wonder when its going to happen that i'm going to break down and bawl my eyes out because of all this. i haven't yet, but i know i will. i've cried a bit, but nothing to show for how i really feel. still, i'm not an overly-emotional person. my sister has cried quite a few times, but she's really emotional. i don't cry much, not even when someone dies. it weirds me out sometimes.

and my sister was worried about me because how morbid i can be sometimes. i write one dark poem and she is all "do you hate yourself?" -_-" like, seriously, i'm one of the happiest people i know. i just think that writing about dark things is easier then light things, and normally has a more esthetic appeal. well, that and it is fun to freak sarah out sometimes! ^_^

umm...what to say. i start school on wednesday, and i am worried! it is soooo much bigger then dickinsfield! but gr 9 is still junior high there, so i have another year at ruling the school! ><...but seriously, two science labs, two computer labs, two music rooms, two gyms, one huge art room, and the crappiest, dinkiest little library! gah. i'm become anxious about my first day. it's my first time going to a new school with people that i havne't known for all my life. i'm scared. and i haven't even got all of my school supplies yet! T.T i was supposed to go today, but considering that i spent the day at ashlee's...well, no. sarah got all hers, and i wish i had agreed to let her pick out mine too. oh well, no use crying over spilt milk..and i'll stop using clichés from the fifty's now.

i feel so unfocused. i haven't read any book this whole summer. i've started two, then stopped basically at the halfway point. i dunno why. i just didn't care about what was going to happen next. i did write chapter 8, but i'm still blank for 9, except it's quote, which is "muddy water makes the best mirror." yeah. i'm not sure what it means, but i'm sure it's symbolic! and an alliteration! whoot! yeah, i've drawn some stuff, and i am getting a lot better at that, for which i am grateful. and yet, i've thrown out more junk pics then i've drawn. ah, just an off summer i suppose, and i really can't blame myself. i did move after all.

and i made an actual diary out of what christa gave me as a parting gift. i wrote like ten pages, plus an uber creepy poem. i basically wrote everything seen above, except in more detail. lol, and now for the poem :

To No One

Have I nothing to say?
Your ears are deaf
And my voice mute.
Pain is washing me away.

Can't you hear me?
My thoughts are blind
And my hands are tied.
I'm drowning in self-pity.

To no one a broken heart is bound;
What is not lost cannot be found.

Is hate not a Sin?
Angels rule my nightmares
And demons haunt my days.
I'm dying from within.

To no one a broken heart is bound;
What is not lost cannot be found.

so, whatcha think? please ignore the two lines i forget, because the peom is at my other house and i'm writing it through memory ><. i wrote another one last time i was in town called "when black-winged angels fly." and i remember only the line "but to God it's all the same." lol, yeah, i am morbid a bit, but it's interesting, not evil. lol, yesh, i am a very big creep.

anyway, this post is long enough. ttyl!!

-phyn -> We are Fate's toys, to be thrown away at his whim.

ps. i just edited this post, XP...lol, so now i have the full poem!!